|
|
Rebecca Queen of the Hobos
|
|
|
| Quito, Ecuador |
[10 Jun 2007|08:58pm] |
Well I have been in Quito for about a month now, totally love it :) My spanish has improved a lot, but still have a long way to go. I really like the school where I am taking classes- it is also an eco-tourism foundation so there are a lot of young, motivated people involved. I am living in a homestay which is basically nice, the mom & dad are very nice and easy going, and I HAVE MY OWN BATHROOM!! Very exciting that.
I really hope that I can continue to travel like this... it is just a wonderful experience that I feel so lucky to have :D
|
|
| Aloha |
[20 Mar 2007|01:16pm] |
Hi guys! Sorry to have dropped off the face of the earth for a bit. Not too much news on grad school, but I think I'll probably be staying in Hawaii. There are worse places!
|
|
| wtf? rpg! |
[28 Dec 2006|01:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
Aloha all, you enormous group of people who read my journal religiously (yeah, right! :P) Well I am just writing to help out a good friend from Pomona (Sagehens, represent!) Well her hubby has just come out with a really fun game called WTFRPG. Dudes, check it out. It can take as little or as much time as you want to devote (your character will keep playing even if you neglect it). If you have any friends who you think might like the game, please refer them!
Here is one of my characters and a link to sign up:
Weepee, a Level 18 Somewhat Good Fat Mentally Unstable Happy Gnome Bum, wreaking havoc at WTFRPG right here: http://spoof.wtfrpg.com/entity/Weepee.html
Here's an invite to join: http://spoof.wtfrpg.com/user-add.html?RefererCode=Weepee&Email=&NoS=true
|
|
| earthquake |
[16 Oct 2006|11:56am] |
Yesterday Hawaii had an earthquake. We don't really consider ourselves an earthquake type of place, being out in the middle of a plate and all. However, yesterday shook us from our complacency, at least momentarily.
I was in bed when it happened... just started moving side to side. I thought, "this is strange...," then a short while later the power went out. I think I have an issue with blackouts, because I always seem to jump at the worst explanation (the last time it happened I ended up calling the police because I thought someone had cut the power). This time I wondered if we were being attacked, so I waited in bed a while, listening for the sound of airplanes. When nothing happened I went back to sleep. I dreamt repeatedly that the power had come back on, but each time I woke up still in my stifling room (no fan). Finally, I got up to face the day.
It actually turned into a very nice day. I went on a food finding mission with my sister; we waited in line to get into our local supermarket which had a few lights on. We got picnic supplies and had a nice lunch. Then, without the distraction of TV or the internet, we talked for a while. My friend Elisabeth came over seeking food. She'd had more of a time of it, living up in a high rise with a very scared cat and an about-to-fall-over television. The power came back on around 7:30, so we went back out to buy food to cook for dinner. We ended up having an Indian dinner.. yum yum.
The biggest impact of the earthquake was actually for my mom, who was flying home from the mainland and got stranded in San Francisco. She's now coming home on Wednesday instead of Sunday. However, there are worse places to be stranded, and everyone I know survived the earthquake mostly unharmed!
|
|
| hello world |
[13 Oct 2006|01:23am] |
So quick update... I am back in Hawaii for the fall semester. I am taking Assessment I and Hierarchical Linear Modeling as well as working on a research project and doing my apps. A couple of dry classes, a fun but scary project, and a not so fun and very scary process! I feel that I am in a weird place right now... sort of moving on with my life, getting stuff done that I need to, but also feeling very stagnant... I am frustrated by just how much time and effort, I put into things that aren't important and are actually hurtful (ex. food). It's been about ten years now since food became a real problem in my life, and all ten of those years, I have believed that right around the corner I would get a grip! Well, at least I have a lot of fodder for psychology experiments!
So tonight I watched the Oprah show, and it had Frank Rich talking about his new book "The Greatest Story ever Sold" about the selling of the Iraq War. I thought it was an extremely powerful and moving show. Frank Rich explained things exactly how I would want them to be explained: cohesively, reasonably, and convincingly. The audience was genuinely involved, some shaking with emotion. There was a soldier explaining how their good deeds are overlooked by the media, and another soldier explaining that there are soldiers questioning this war too. Afterwards I looked up the book on Amazon and even posted a comment on a review posted there. It infuriates me, frustrates me, and saddens me when dissent is called unpatriotic, when to me it is what this country was founded on and what it needs to survive as a democracy.
The review I was commenting on:
"Plain and simple - people like Frank Rich will do anything to help us lose wars and lose our society as a whole. That's the goal of the left and that's his apparent goal in everything he writes. If the war had gone well and Katrina had been a model of Federal Govt. efficiency, Rich would be screaming about the environment or landing on the carrier or - let's see whatever else he possibly could in order to serve a market of fools who are ready, eager and willing to find someone - ANYONE to validate their visceral hatred of Bush. Hey - gotta' hand it to a guy who found a perfect market of "educated" idiots ...they're the easiest to seperate from their money. I have to admit - I'd love to do the same with the Ivory Tower crowd."
My comment:
"You may be right that the left would find fault with this administration no matter what, however, as you tacitly admit, this war has NOT gone well and Katrina was a fiasco. The criticism of this administration is well earned, and it is irresponsible to disregard the message simply because you don't like the messenger.
"While I am not wedded to any ideology, I have a lot of left-leaning views. And guess what, I love this country. I think that we are amazingly fortunate that our forefathers fought to create this country and its democracy, and that we have a duty to fight to maintain it. It is incumbent to be an informed public and an active public, to always remember that government is not to be trusted blindly, but that we must seek the truth for ourselves and hold our representatives to account. Sometimes war is necessary, and the righteousness of a fight does not guarantee an easy battle or even success. Afghanistan was a good and necessary fight, while Iraq was a distraction and a mistake that has cost us billions of dollars, thousands of lives, and much of our credibility in the world. Protesting such a costly blunder is not traitorous, but rather the greatest of patriotism... in the US, patriotism is not following blindly your leaders and cheering on every action, but upholding the priniciples of this country and fighting for what is right."
|
|
| The earth is ever changing... |
[10 Jul 2006|01:48am] |
Conversation with guy I just met:
Guy: So, where are you from?
Me: Hawaii
Guy: Oh, hey what's the time difference?
Me: Right now it's six hours earlier, but in the winter it is five hours.
Guy: Oh, is that because of daylight savings?
Me: *jokingly* No, actually it's not! People think that, but in fact the earth shrinks in the winter, so Hawaii is closer.
Guy: Really? I never knew that!
Me: Yeah, Hawaii is like 2,000 miles away in the summer and only 1,500 miles away in the winter!
Guy: Wow that is so interesting, I'm going to have to look that up.
Me: *smiling* I really suggest that you do.
Afterwards, I tried it on a guy who I'd been on a date with and was chatting with. Again, hook, line, and sinker. I knew then he was not the man for me! :P
Another stupid, although not really all that bad... I was reading a book where a man was in the UK, calling his office in Portland. It was 8am in the morning in the UK, and the author explained for the benefit of the reader that with the seven hour time difference, it was three in the the afternoon back in Portland. I was like, no! a seven hour time difference would make it 1 in the morning in Portland, because west is EARLIER! It really bothered me because, it made that whole part of the story totally unworkable.
|
|
| like this quote |
[28 Jun 2006|12:27am] |
" Little is more mischievous than the singular idea that the President has a sacred right to be protected from secular exposure and confrontation; little more damaging than the ghastly neoconservative theory that persons in authority must have respect, whether or not they have done anything to earn it. An American President is entitled to full courtesy, like every other citizen of the land, but only to the respect his words and actions earn him.
The President, after all, is simply a politician luckier than the rest--the one who made it, in Disraeli's phrase, to the top of the greasy pole. Shinnying up the pole does not transform him into a demigod and carry him out of our sight and jurisdiction. He can expect to stay on top only so long as he remains in close touch with the people below and operates within the disciplines of consent."
--"The Cycles of American History" by Arthur Schlesinger, Jr
|
|
| Everybody's doing it |
[31 May 2006|12:17am] |
Just one of those survey things...
1. Are you in a relationship?
No
2. Do you hate more than 3 people?
I don't think I hate anyone..
3. How many houses have you lived in?
2 if you count the house in Prague
4. What is your favorite candy bar?
Snickers or Toblerone
5. What are your favorite shoes?
my comfy slippers
6. Have you ever tripped someone?
non
7. What was your least favorite subject this semester/quarter?
Methodology, it was kinda lame and I loved my other class
8. What was your favorite subject this year?
Applied social psychology
9. Do you own a Britney Spears CD?
No
10. Have you ever thrown up in public?
eeah when I used to have to take this awful asthma medicine
11. Name something that's always on your mind.
procrastination
12. What is your favorite music genre?
80s new wave
13. What is your sign?
aries but i think I'm a pisces
14. What time were you born?
? early morning
15. Do you like bud light?
eh
16. Have you ever made a prank call?
no
17. What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
can't think of any.. I'm just that cool :P
18. Are you sarcastic?
of course not
19. What are your favorite colors?
red & blue
20. How many watches do you own?
one but I never wear it because it has velcro and looks ridiculous
21. Summer or winter?
winter
22. Spring or fall?
fall
23. What is your favorite color to wear?
red or blue :P
24. Pepsi or Sprite?
neither
25. What color is your cell phone?
blue but I have a black case
26. Where is your second home?
Berkeley but I've never lived there
27. Have you ever slapped someone?
no
28. Have you ever had a cavity?
yeah.. never did until I got braces but then they came with a vengence
29. How many lamps are in your bedroom?
one
31. What was your first pet?
a fish named Lucky
33. Do looks matter?
yes BUT I'm finding that other things are starting to matter to me a whole lot more.
34. Do you use chapstick?
Sometimes
36. American Eagle or Abercrombie?
Lane Bryant
37. Are you too forgiving?
I think I forgive just enough.. otherwise I wouldn't forgive them, right?
38. How many children do you want?
realistically 2-3 but sometimes I fantasize about a big brood.
39. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
non
40. What is your favorite breakfast?
my wonderful healthy yogurt-fruit-nuts-&-cinammon smoothie.
41. Do you own a gun?
no
42. Have you ever thought you were in love?
no but I wanted to be and almost fooled myself...
43. When was the last time you cried?
I cry all the time.. probably it was during a fight with my sister.
44. What did you do 3 nights ago?
I drank too much with two guys from Hawaii in Times Square
45. When was the last time you went to Olive Garden?
sometime during college
46. Have you ever called your teacher mom?
no
47. Have you ever been in a castle?
sure
48. What are your nicknames?
Becca, becs, rewind, biki, bakka becca
49. Do you know anyone named Bertha?
no
50. Have you ever been to Kentucky?
no but I've always wanted to
51. Do you own something from Banana Republic?
yeah I got a shawl for my birthday
52. Are you thinking about somebody right now?
no
53. Have you ever called someone Boo?
No
54. Do you smoke?
nope.. I did used to smoke a ciggie every once in a while (with Ali especially) but then my teeth started turning gray. I also used to smoke weed but eventually realized that it's not really my scene.
55. Do you own a diamond ring?
non
56. Are you happy with your life right now?
Well I'm happy in the sense that I'm kinda a happy person, I've figured out what I want to do with myself, I've got some really great friends, and I love dancing. However, I'm frustrated by a lot of things that I've been wanted to change for a very long time that really limit what I can accomplish but I just don't seem to be able to do it.
57. Do you dye your hair?
I have light brown/dark blonde highlights that look very natural
60. What were you doing May of 1994
Probably finishing my freshman year of highschool and shipping off to France.
61. Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?
no
62. McDonald's or Wendy's?
micky dees
63. Do you like yourself?
sure...
64. Are you closer to your mother or father?
my dad for sure, but getting closer to my mom recently. My dad is the most wonderful person (in my opinion) and he was and is always there for us. My mom worked a lot so I don't feel that same connection, but she did her best.
65. Favorite feature of the opposite /same sex?
unmentionable.. just kidding. Hmm... I don't think it is anyone thing, just how everything fits together...
66. Are you afraid of the dark?
Usually not.
67. Have you ever eaten paste?
No
68. Do you have a webcam?
No
69. Have you ever stripped?
Paint? no.
|
|
| The whole kit and caboodle |
[28 May 2006|07:56am] |
Okay guys, the big update plus some very interesting stuff on prodigies and precociousness.
So firstly, I decided not to enter a PhD program this fall, although I'm going to pretend like I am. Basically I'm going to be doing the coursework just as if I were starting at UH but I'll be applying to more schools (maybe I can keep doing this for the next ten years, woohoo!). In some ways I feel like a massive idiot for my choice, but it other ways it kinda makes sense and really it fits my "gut" which people keep saying you should listen to.
The best thing is that I'm working on my master's thesis this summer, which really throws people for a loop considering I'm not even a first year!
However, I did decide to go to New Yawk for the summer, and now I'm here. If anybody wants to visit, come on!! We'll live it up big apple style. I'm living at the 92nd street Y which is pretty much like living in a dorm with shared bathroom, etc. It is a Jewish Y so there are always cute old new york jewish people walking around. I love it!
So far I've been sick sick sick then my aunt and uncle were in town which was fun. Over those few days I saw an Opera at the Met, a ballet at the Met, a play (which had Mark Ruffalo who was surprisingly GREAT), and a stationary convention (the reason for my aunt and uncle being in town). So I got to for a little while experience the high end of Manhattan entertainment, and it really is like nothing else! The opera was beaaautiful.. I've been to a lot of operas in hawaii and they are great for such a small & isolated place, but usually it is one or maybe two really good singers and the rest are pretty so-so. this was amazing. And I'm usually not such a fan of ballet but these dancers were amazing. The great thing was that people were gasping and breaking out into applause in the middle of the dances and it was so much fun. And people here actually yell "Bravo!" It's so cool.
Most recently I've been at my first ever psychological conference. It rocks! If only the rest of my life could be a convention. Alas, I think there's going to be work and stuff involved :P Anyhoo I met a lot of neato people including folks studying what I want to. I was introduced to the guy I want to work under at Yale, but I didn't have much to say beyond, "hello." I get really shy when I think I don't have anything interesting to contribute. I never want to be one of those obnoxious people who acts like they actually have something novel to say to an expert in the field, but at the same time it seems like a certain degree of brash confidence is useful. I dunno.
There are actually a ton of undergrads here and I've been trying to talk all of them into coming to Hawaii and working with my lovely professor Dr. Latner. I think I actually did find a match, this interesting and recent pepperdine grad from Kenya who had done research on restraint and binge eating. So that's pretty cool! In that same poster session, I also came across another study which really supported the study that Dr. Latner and I have been designing and addressed some of my concerns about the methodology (unfortunately still some big problems, but it was very exciting nonetheless!).
Oh one neat thing happened yesterday. I was in line for some pupus (aka appetizers for all you mainlanders) and talking with two people, a new PhD and an undergrad who scared me with is talk of double majoring in Chemistry and Psychology and his research on four seperate issues. Anyhoo, they were discussing their research and I was sorta half listening, and then the recent PhD guy mentions that he studies sexuality. Not really my thing (not the sex but the studying of it ;P) so I wasn't that interested, but they I heard the words "Token Seduction." This spring selection my friend Elizabeth and I have been leading a little research group working on redoing a classic study by Elaine Hatfield. Basically it was like a class on research methodology for the two undergraduates as we would give them assignments every week. A big part of it was putting together a literature review. We wanted them to find support for the question the study was trying to address. And one of the best things they found was an article on token seduction! So I exclaimed that to the guy and he was so excited. Apparently it is a pretty obscure little article but to us it was very on point. Anyways it was really neat and now he wants to collaborate with the group.
There are actually some other people from Hawaii here. I ended up going out with them and getting pretty drunk for the first time in years. I guess my tolerance has gone down since college, because I feel like I went from 0 to 60 very suddenly. It was fun but a little bit like "what's the point!" I guess I'm getting old.
Okay last but not least.. so yesterday the big address was by Malcolm Gladwell, author of the popular books "Blink," and "The Tipping Point." The talk he gave really blew my mind. I am not going to be able to do it justice, but basically he was talking about precociousness and prodigal ability in children NOT being such a great predictor of future success. Basically, his argument is that precociousness is a bit like building a condo very quickly. Sure its impressive that it goes up quickly, but ten years down the line nobody cares that building A took one year and building B took two. What matters in the end is the quality, not the speed. Gladwell also drew a distintion between the skill demonstrated by child prodigees versus successful adults. He suggests that in children, prodigal ability is founded on an ability to take in knowledge, while in adults it is an ability to create knowledge. Musical prodigees are such because they can mimic adults, but most have difficulty transitioning to creating their own style. (btw he also dismantled the idea of Mozart being a prodigy). The crux of the talk though was about academics, and the selecting out of the intellectually gifted. There is a school in NY that only takes kids with IQs of at least 155. These kids were nourished to be the nobel prize winners. Turns out that they ended up just average adults. Successful and adjusted on the whole, but not the leaders in their fields by any means. Scoring well on an IQ test says nothing about your drive and your ability to work hard without distraction, which in the end is far more important than raw cognitive ability (if producing great work is your goal!). So the problem is partioning out kids and declaring them as the future leaders which implicitly tells the rest "you aren't!" based on something that really does not seem as predictive as it is assumed. Instead we need to foster that hard work and an attitude that success isn't handed down care of the smarts you were born with, but the abilities you develop through hard work.
Of course, he probably over simplified things, and certainly being intellectually gifted does play a role in things.. in fact for whatever reason with math most of the brilliant stuff seems to come early in careers. But, it did give me a lot to think about. If you ever have a chance to hear him speak... go!
|
|
| 100% acceptance rate! |
[11 Mar 2006|11:10am] |
Unfortunately, I only applied to two PhD programs! :P I was totally freaking out because I thought I didn't have much of a chance of getting in this year... but instead I've gotten very positive responses. Darn those scary "getting in to clinical psychology phD programs" books! I was flown out to an open house in DC, but I decided that they work too hard there (100 hours a week!!). I didn't want to take that on for the next five years, even for a 24K/yr stipend! I also visited new york city and my best friend flew out there. I got my purse stolen and was very sick, but still had a wonderful time. Which leads me to my problem...
I want to live in New York!
(San Francisco would do as well :P)
However, the PhD program that I want to attend is in Hawaii. I love this program, my major professor is wonderful, and the program itself is rigorous but with a good amount of Hawaii chill attitude. But, I want to live in New York!
I'm not sure what to do, I'm thinking that I'll let my professor know that I'm torn (she probably already has a slight idea). I'd like to accept the offer for Hawaii, but I may want to apply to a few schools next year (Columbia, NYU, CUNY, Yale...) and just see what happens, then make a decision in March 2007. I feel like it is kinda shitty, but I really feel in my gut that I want to go to New York. However, I'm not sure that I can find a program that is as good a fit as the one at UH, which I think is very important. (Anybody happen to know how feasible it is to leave a PhD program for another after one year?)
One possibly workable option is to make it a priority to go places over the summer. The professor at the DC school says they sometimes have summer research opportunities, so I could go there or try to find work in New York or SF. There is a psych professor at UH who does linguistic work in rural mexico, maybe I could tag along. I'm also thinking that moving out of the house would be a good idea. It is so expensive to live in Hawaii, and at UH I'll be making very little money, but I think staying at home is stunting my maturity... Of course, if I spend all my money on living expenses, how can I afford to leave for the summers?
Arggh!
Well at least I have choices!
|
|
| ayer |
[17 Jan 2006|01:44pm] |
|
Okay hmm, helped my friend Elisabeth ship her ex-car to Lanai. It was pretty fun going to the docks. Then I watched TV instead of studying. bah!
|
|
| for yesterday |
[16 Jan 2006|11:06am] |
|
Together with my friend Elisabeth, I am running a study this semester. We've got three bright young undergrads we get to boss around. Today we had the first real working meeting in the library. I feel a little strange training them on things that I am only so-so on myself, but hey, I think it is going to work out well. Then I went to the Sunday night swing dance. I invited a friend who came and brought I guy who had never danced before. They proceeded to sit there for two hours and then left without saying anything to me! Isn't that weird? I know it is uncomfortable to get up and dance when you don't know what you are doing, but the scene here is about as unintimidating as you can get. Well to each their own!
|
|
|
[15 Jan 2006|02:29am] |
|
I took a west coast swing workshop this morning, helped me work on my connection. West coast is so slow!! But I like the music.
|
|
|
[14 Jan 2006|01:17am] |
|
dancing and happy but tired :)
|
|
|
[11 Jan 2006|05:34pm] |
|
Cleaning room!
|
|
| my new goal |
[11 Jan 2006|05:34pm] |
Okay folks, my new goal is to post daily, even if it is just one measely word. This may or may not always happen, but I will give it the old college try!
So to update one and all:
I am applying to graduate school in psychology in order to become a therapist. I am especially interested in self-regulation & obesity. I was trying to do a million things last semester to make myself a better applicant, but I had trouble on some key things, the result being that I am applying to a few PhD and Masters programs, but I will probably choose to apply again next year. A few good things last semester: I got As in three graduate classes in the UH psych program, and I did well on the GRE. At first I downplayed the GRE because it really is just a test, but it has since become a big deal....
So the first time I took the GRE, I signed up for an early morning time. BIG MISTAKE. I figured I would just go to bed early, not remembering my tendency to have huge insomnia when I am anxious about something. Basically I was a wreck! At first it was alright, the essays went fine. Then the math, the area of my greatest confidence. I discovered that my analytical ability had entirely shut down. I almost had a panic attack and ended up guessing on 2/3 of the math section. The verbal was okay, but I knew that I couldn't score the test. $110 and the possibility of getting my scores in on time to PhD programs went out the window.
So the second time around, I signed up for the afternoon, got a sleep machine from a friend, sleeping pills from the grocery store, and coffee in the morning from my dad. The test went OK and I scored it, to my shock and awe, I recieved a 800 verbal and 780 math. Woowoo! I learned last week that I also got a 6.0 on the analytical writing. Woowoowoo! So that is all very good and I am super happy, but unfortunately it came a little late to apply most places. However, I have the next year to do some serious research and still a few possibilities for school, so I am not discouraged. I will be working wtih a new professor to UH whose research looks awesome, and I think I would love to work with her. I think that my chances of getting into UH will depend a lot on whether she wants to work with me, so we'll see. I'll keep you updated.
The other development in my life is a very active interest in dance. I have always enjoyed it and toyed with the idea of getting involved in social dance, but I didn't make it a priority and just never got started with it. Early last year I decided that I was going to get into dance. At first I took a gabillion classes because if I was signed up I would go and I was scared to go to dances. However, over time I started going to dances, and now I usually go out twice a week. I'm also more fearless about asking guys to dance, and always have a ton of fun.
Alright, that's about it :)
This semester, I am going to take two grad classes, sit in on two other classes, read a heck of a lot, and conduct two research projects. I'm very excited, everything seems interesting and if I can take all the work, well I think that will be a clear sign that a PhD is the route for me. If not, I am applying to masters programs which would prepare me to do the kind of therapy that I want to do.
|
|
| RIP Fluffy |
[03 Oct 2005|12:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
My cat Fluffy lived a long life. I remember him first showing up at our back door. My sister would smuggle him into the house. First my mom bought him food, cute little colored crunchy kitties. Then she finally caved and we had the cat we never thought we would. Fluffy was always aloof, but he loved to be pet on the head. Try to pet him anywhere else and he wasn't too thrilled. He used to love seaweed. Once I was eating some in my room, and suddenly there was this big orange fluff ball clinging to the screen on my window, meowing for seaweed.
He was pretty big, half of it was hair of course. Folks used to think he was a dog, one person even said they thought he was a person crawling across the hall at first. One time he dissapeared for a few days. The humane society had an orange persian, so I went to fetch him. When it wasn't him, I was devastated. Turns out he had gotten out of his cage and was up a tree during my visit. He used to scratch up all the screens to let us know that he was ready to head on out. Even after we decided to keep him inside because he came up on the losing side of fights one time too often, he persisted in scratch scratch scratching for years.
He used to cross his paws in the cutest way, and he was a master relaxer. He knew just who would be a softie at the dinner table and hand him some chicken. Earlier this year he got run over, but he survived a little slower and a little more uneven, but still as his same crotchedy self. I had him at my friend's house overnight and he managed to escape the house (so we thought) while actually sneakily hiding under a bed. We spent about six hours looking for him and canvasing the neighborhood.
I love you Fluffster, monsieur le fluff, fluffito, and I'm thankful that you showed up one day and shared your life with us.
|
|
|
[16 Sep 2004|11:26pm] |
Well today was Rosh Hashana so I basically didn't work until sun down. Went to services in the morning which meant getting up earlier than I wanted, but it was really nice to go with my mom. It is very weird, me and religion, I am drawn to them and in a lot of ways they make sense to me, and I see them as possibly true, and even more likely a better way to live... but at the same time I just can't get over my agnosticism.
Lately I have been torn a bit between Judaism and Christianity. Judaism is my heritage, I love a lot of the traditions and the community, and it would sadden me to leave that part of me behind. I will probably raise my kids as jews, unless the hubby has some big objections, which would just be weird. But, I have never felt the spirituality in the religion. Maybe it is my very liberal sect, reform judaism. It just feels like agnosticism and even atheism is par for the course. Plus the old testiment can be so harsh and confusing to an idealistic modern girl.
Then there is Christianity, which I have always been wary of. However, in the past couple of years I have had a number of experiences which have changed my mind. Largest was spending a whole summer in prague, subletting a house from a missionary family. Really four things from that situation affected me... one was just getting pretty bored and reading their library. So for the first time learning a little bit about what Christianity might be beyond Christmas, Easter, and "get out ye sinner!" Second was this guy Sasha who used their basement as an office. He grew up atheist (common in Czech Republic), was very skeptical, but says when he finally asked Jesus to come into his heart (seriously) it was a transformative experience. Now, I have no idea what really happened to him, but he is a pretty cool guy, all's I'm saying. It was interesting for me to hear the story of somebody who was a skeptic but had become a believer. Then there were a number of missionaries who passed through who were really great people with light in their eyes. Finally the family themselves, who were wonderful, with wonderful kids. Their religion was a strong one, but also modern and inclusive. And from what I read of the theology, something that in large part makes sense to my fundamental understanding of the world.
But at the same time, the plain truth is that I just don't believe it. Maybe it is not in me to take things on faith like that. They (who is they exactly I'm not sure) say that people are genetically wired to be spiritual or not. Actually, spirituality is not the problem for me so much. I mostly see life as fairly miraculous, and when I listen for it I can feel a give and take in the world. But accepting one religious doctrine on no evidence and discounting the faith of everybody else in the world? It is a hard pill to swallow.
I'm open to change though. I hope I am open to the truth if it chooses to let itself be known.
|
|
| going to Berkeley and maybe LA |
[01 Sep 2004|12:54am] |
Okay so my big news is that I am going to my good friend's wedding in Berkeley in early October. I might go by way of LA to see some family. Anybody gonna be around to hang out one night?
Other big news is it looks like just in time I may have secured another job... not a lock but it looks promising. I also have a check from Microsoft I am trying to have reissued because I was a dork and I wasn't home and I didn't know why the heck they sent me a huge check but now I know and it is three years later after all the travelling and school and I hope they will reissue it! Nice sentence, eh? Project not-as-broke is in full swing. My very modest goal is to be totally debt free in six months, although I am pretty sure that if I were to actually stick my nose to the grindstone I could actually be making enough to support myself on my own in six months.
I'm a little frustrated because I am doing all this work and then I have to give half of it to E, who is really not doing much any more and even has her own job. But we both put in like six months of our lives so you know, it is what is fair and pretty much what we agreed upon. I guess the payments shouldn't be 50/50 any more, but I need to figure out how to split it fairly. Sometimes I get a little greedy and have selective memory about what we both have contributed, so I need to keep in mind: Six months, BOTH of us. Moverover, I've been a total dork for chunks of time.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
pullupgirl's journal